I don't know where to start to catch up. Should I explain why I have to have my entire reproductive system removed before I can have a child? Should I explain why I sometimes wish I could hand my husband divorce papers? Or why I've seemed to lost all of the friends I had.

I guess I'll start at the beginning.

I want a child. I want to be a mother more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. Why not? I have an education, a house that is paid for thanks to our hard work, & I want to start a family in this house and grow old. Except it wasn't working. We tried and tried (trying was fun!). Alas, we got nowhere. I finally took the worst step and made a phone call that pretty much ended all of my hopes.

Besides the fact that I wasn't having a cycle (didn't think it was that big of a deal) my ovaries had shut down. No hormones, no ovulation. After months of fertility medications and continuous trying- still no luck. 3 ultrasounds later & a full hysterectomy is being scheduled due to the growing tumors on my ovaries & uterus.

First reactions? Anger. Bitterness. Depression.

I did everything right. I was a responsible adult. I planned my life for a family one day. I spent my whole life trying to prevent a pregnancy and here I am unable to have one. Meanwhile, every girl I know is pregnant. Girls who didn't want a family. Girls who consider it an accident.

Family is not an accident, it's a gift.
...................................................................................

So here I am months later not knowing the next step. You meet your person, you get married, you enjoy your time together and then you procreate. Except now we can't reach our next step.

I told my husband he has a get out of jail free card. I know when we exchanged vows that he did not expect to be committing to a life of just me and him. He wants kids, I know he does. He'd make a great father. Except he married me, I am defective. After spilling my feelings out on the way home from dinner, the only thing he would say is 'our vows state for sickness & in health and I mean it'....   How'd did I get a man so perfect?

I do apologize Xanga that I have forsaken thee. However, my best friends have abandoned me because they don't know what to say or how to react. I try to talk to them but they seem to forget that just because I'm having my entire reproductive system removed doesn't mean that I need to remove my friends as well. I guess that's why friends don't tak oaths the same way husbands do.

I cut myself the other day to see if I still got the same feeling.

I didn't. And my husband never even noticed it.